In my current job role I work with children in the care system and I have recently done a lot of research on the language that we use to describe children, their history, personal circumstances and behaviour. This has got me thinking about the wider context of language used in children's social care as a whol
e.
Being both a professional in children's social care and, at one point, a service user, I can't help but think we could collectively do a better job!
Thinking back to over 10 years ago when I first approached my local authority and told them that I was pregnant with twins and wanted them to be adopted by people who I knew, I was immediately met with judgement. I was told that this simply could not be done and that I would have to give birth and 'sign them over' to social services, who would then allocate them to a family of their choosing. I was still young at the time however, having 2 children already, it was my main priority to ensure I knew where my babies were going, who would be raising them and ensuring that all four of my children could grow up having a relationship with one another. And so, I pushed ahead and fought for what I felt was best, putting the needs and wellbeing of all four of my children at the forefront of my decision making.
This inevitably meant I had to come out of my comfort zone and repeatedly challenge the local authority, this was something that I found incredibly difficult and consistently felt that every social worker I met with (and there were many) was either working against me, or was trying to sway me into signing the twins over to them, despite me repeatedly giving my justification on why this was not a route I was going to choose.
Throughout the entire assessment process, I felt judged by professionals, I was told that I 'didn't have sufficient understanding of the process' and that I needed to either choose the traditional route of adoption or consider fostering as it was apparently 'clear that I couldn't possibly be certain' on adoption if I still wanted my children and I to have a relationship with the twins once they were born. I was labelled as 'difficult' and 'unwilling to engage' when all I truly wanted was what I felt was best. Surely, regardless of age, I should've been treated with respect and be supported to make a decision that worked best in such difficult circumstances.
It is only on reflection a few years down the line that I realised the impact that such labelling and lack of support had on me. I found myself struggling with depression and anxiety for quite a while and eventually plucked up the courage to seek support from my GP. I was prescribed anti-depressants and put on a waiting list for CBT for several months. I was lucky enough to be invited in for 8 free sessions with a therapist and found the sessions helpful in supporting me to deal with day-to-day struggles and helped me to understand how my thoughts and feelings were impacting my daily life and was able to use the tools I was given to get me back on track. A few months after I finished the sessions, I had started University and found that, although I was managing daily life much better, I still felt a lingering heavy sense of loss, something I believe will probably never fully leave me. I decided to take advantage of the University's support and went to talking therapy. This helped me to speak openly about my experiences of the adoption, the lack of support, the abuse I had suffered from the children's father, and the overwhelming 'mum-guilt' from the adoption. I intend to write another blog outlining the therapy I had an how it has helped shape me into the person I am today, so please keep an eye out if that would be something you are interested in reading.
But, back to language, I know this isn't the route cause of the struggles I faced throughout the adoption process, but I also know that it certainly didn't help and the effects of this have stayed with me and something I think we need to be talking about more in children's social care in particular.
I am still in a place all these years later whereby I am nervous about requesting my files due to the potential impact the language used may have on me however, the more I write, the more I am realising it is probably time to start exploring this difficult part of our journey.
Thank you for reading :)